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Posts Tagged ‘mommy guilt’

It’s been a wonderful night of mommy guilt for me.

Guilt that I have too many kids that aren’t mine in my house and that I never get to spend any time with Little E.

Guilt that he’s going to end up resenting me someday because I didn’t spend enough time with him…but I had time for everybody else.

Guilt that wraps around my heart and squeezes me till I can’t breathe sometime.

Why do I feel like this?  Why? Why? Why?

“Because you’re a mom”, some will say.

That’s not good enough for me. There has to be more of a reason than that.

Cause inside I feel like a horrible person.  A person who can’t just spend 10 minutes of undivided attention with her 4 year old.  A mom who feels like she has missed out on the last three years of her little man’s life…even though I. have. been. right. here.

For me, it’s not an option to get rid of the kids that I babysit, nor do I want to in a sense because I think if it were just the two of us Little E and I would probably get bored very quick with each other.

But how do I find the balance without feeling like somebody has run over me with a monster truck….(and not the toy ones)?

This is  my heart….bare before you.  Please don’t stomp all over it…and if I babysit your child please don’t take offense to it.  It’s not meant to be that way…this is just me…tonight…feeling like crap.

Laura

Blessing: A hubby who listens.

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After four days of continual rain we finally had some SUN!

(Of course it was on a Sunday when I’m NOT babysitting..but we’ll just forget about that one for now)

So, after church we decided to load up Nero (that’s our car) and head to the local splash pad.

Little E played, sat on the water, played some more and made some new friends…all without the help of mommy and daddy going through the splash pad with him.  (YAY for not getting wet!)

After he was done with this we headed over to the playground.

I thought that hubby and I were going to sit on the picnic bench and watch little E play with the other kids.  So I quickly laid out the wet towel and dug out my ipod for a quick check of my email.  After a few minutes I look over and hubby is motioning for me to come over.  As I approach him he says this:

“Little E just asked me if I would play with him cause mommy never plays with him”. (He swears that he actually said this)

Talk about a punch in the gut!

Mommy guilt at it’s finest. It was everything I could do to hold back the tears.

Regrettably I understand that this is something I need to work on. I realize I am on the computer a lot…or just need to get that extra bit of work done…or play the excuse:  “There are five other kids here…play with them…you don’t always need mommy with you all the time”.

However, that being said….here’s my confession:

I don’t know how to play.

<Sigh>

It’s true.

It’s like my imagination has left me.  It’s like I’m Peter Pan…except I have finally grown up and have lost my shadow.

I have posted on this before…but obviously it’s still a work in progress for me…something that is a daily struggle.

I’m working on it..but man it wouldn’t hurt to have some accountability.  So at the end of the day…if you think of it and you have me as a friend on facebook or twitter…just send me a message asking me: “Have you played with your child today?”

I refuse to let the busyness of life get in the way anymore.

I refuse to let my addiction to the computer get in the way of spending time and enjoying life with my child.  (I’ve been on the other end of that and it sucks..I know it)

I can’t promise to be supermom…but I’ll do my best trying.

My child is only young once….so I’m going to choose to be young with him…with a hint of adult in there somewhere 🙂

Laura

Blessing: Had a great day with my family today!

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