Posts Tagged ‘baby’

I have a confession to make.

I have a hard time trusting in anyone..but more specifically God.

Hubby and I have been trying to have a baby now for eight years (if not a little bit longer) and I have to admit my trust is not there.

Not that I don’t trust hubby cause I do…I just don’t seem to trust God.

(Gasp!  A Pastor’s wife not trusting in God???? Stand back before the lightning strikes!)

We pray that we will be able to have a baby and we talk about trust but the other week my trust was put to the test.

We were praying about having a baby and it was my turn to pray.

I told hubby that he could do it and that I would pray next time.

He wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easily.

I told him I didn’t want to pray and that was it.  If he wasn’t going to pray then I guess nobody was going to pray.

(Yes…I was acting really mature here.)

I stormed out of the room and came into the living room.  Hubby followed behind and asked me what was the matter.

Here was my response.

“I don’t see the purpose in praying to God about having a baby because it’s not going to happen.  I know it isn’t…it hasn’t happened before and it’s not going to happen now.  It’s useless to pray about it…it’s just not meant to be.”

OK. STOP. Let’s rewind here.

What was wrong with me?

Looking back I clearly see that the above statement is FALSE.

I mean…all I have to do is look at the little boy sleeping in his bed to know that isn’t true.

How foolish and utterly stupid am I not to notice this blessing in front of me during this time of questioning and putting my trust to the test???

Now, don’t get me wrong..I understand what I was meaning by that.

It’s hard to keep praying and not get any answers.  God has answered our prayers and we know that but sometimes it’s hard to see that through the fog.

I have always been a person to see something, want it, go after it and get it.

This time that hasn’t been so easy for me.

So for a while I gave up praying about having another baby.  Which was wrong of me.  I know that there are other people out there praying for us in this regard…that our family will grow again and I need to keep the faith.

I need to put my trust in God and remember why it’s there.  I need to remember the blessing that he gave me with Little E and realize that he is a product of trusting in Him in the first place!

So I guess all I’m saying is that even though this isn’t an easy journey for myself I’m trusting in God with this one day at a time and learning to walk with Him.

God has a plan for us…we just need to follow it!


Blessing: I have a child whom I love very much…biggest blessing of all!

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A longing.

Sometimes I long for things.  Well..ok let’s get real…pretty much everybody longs for things.

Peace, joy, happiness, material things, etc.

Today, as I was watching little E play by himself I longed for a little brother or sister for him.  We had gone for a walk earlier in the afternoon then followed by some Youtube videos of the movie Cars.  After that we went out on the deck and blew bubbles and played for a bit. However, as I saw him sitting and playing by himself I longed for a little sibling for him.  I wasn’t upset that he was playing by himself but rather I was thinking..how much fun would it be if he had somebody around all the time to play with.

I babysit all week, so there are no shortage of kids for him to play with..but there is something different about somebody who comes from 8-5 than somebody who is here all the time.  Somebody who is your confidant,  your best friend, somebody who you get to do all kinds of cool things with all the time.

I long for that for little E.  I’m also prepared that that may never come.  I trust God’s perfect timing in this.  If I didn’t, and I rushed things and did things on my own we probably wouldn’t have little E and I can’t imagine my life without him.  In fact, I won’t even try to remember what it was like before.  This life is so much better!

My question lingers in my mind though.  Will God provide a sibling for him?  He keeps saying he wants a little sister.  All I can do is trust in God.  Trust him to provide me with my needs not my wants.  Trust him in His timing and His plans for me.

I went to my doctor last month and asked for a referral to a specialist down here…hopefully to get the ball moving again.  We had one in New Brunswick but didn’t go back after we found out about Little E and the adoption.

I’ve put off going back to the specialist for a year now.  I kept saying that I would do it and never did. Kept using the excuse that I couldn’t take time off of work..which wasn’t true at all.  I don’t know why I did…I just did.  I want to feel what it’s like to have a baby inside of me…growing.  I want that..I really do.  So I made an appointment…and now I’m just waiting for the call.

Waiting.  The story of my life.  I’m always waiting.  You know what?  I think God does it on purpose to me lol.  I’m not a patient person and He knows that.  He’s teaching me a lesson.  I thought I learned it over the past 7 years. (Almost 10 if you count the years of marriage..but we won’t go there lol)…but apparently I’m still learning it.  Apparently I need to relearn this lesson over and over again…and I’m ok with that..as long as there are results.  Should I be ok with it even if there aren’t results?  Probably so.

So…here I wait.  Waiting for a telephone call.  Waiting for an appointment.  Waiting for answers…hopefully good answers..and if no answers come then hopefully a different door will open up.

Some people have asked me if I would do adoption again.  The answer is “yes..oh yes”…but I think I have to give this path my all for right now and see where it leads me.

Hopefully the end trail with end up with another sibling for little E.

I’m trusting.

Blessing:  Little E.  At least I have one child..and I’m happy with only having one if that’s what God’s plan is for me.

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