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Lonely

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Big E and I had a day yesterday where it was just the two of us. No kids….no errands….just fun. We hung out at the local walking park…took the dogs for a walk and looked for perriwinkles on the beach.

After lunch Big E wanted to ride his bike. So I hung around just to make sure he wouldn’t fall off. While riding his bike he kept telling me that he was going to ride his bike until the girl next door came home and then he was going to play with her.

Just to clarify…I don’t mind him playing with her….it’s just that she isn’t always nice to him…and when the other girl from up the road comes they are trouble with a capital T.

So I was secretly hoping that she wouldn’t come home while we were out riding his bike. About ten minutes later she popped her head outside and said hi to Big E. He was so excited and asked her if she could come play with him.

There comes a time in a mother/kid relationship where you have to let him go (remember I talked about independence the other day?) and play with some people you may not want him to play with. I wouldn’t do this all the Time but I know he desperately wanted another kid to play with and not his mom.

So I didn’t say anything.

She came back out after she asked her mom and said she couldn’t because she had to play with her brother.

Big E didn’t really understand even though I kept explaining things to him. He sat out front and waited for her. Then after a while I got him to go play in the backyard while I cleaned up a bit inside.

About twenty minutes later I looked out the window to check on him to make sure he was ok.

I looked out and saw Big E and daddy sitting on the side of the hill hugging. I went out to ask what was going on and Big E looked up to me with tear stained cheeks. My hubby said to me….”he’s lonely…he wants a friend to play with.”

Break. My. Heart.

So we called up his friends and luckily they were available to come over and play for a while.

Hubby and I crawled into bed last night and hubby said….”I felt so bad for him sitting there on the grass. You could tell he was so lonely. So sad….just wanted a friend.”

Tears filled my eyes.

I felt guilty.

Guilty for not playing with him….but more guilty for not having another kid for him to play with.
I’m not talking about a friend over…..but a sibling. Hubby and I have struggled for 9 years or more to have children of our own. It’s not happening…so we are pursuing adoption. But that’s going to take at least two years or more.

I felt guilty for not being able to have children. I know that may sound silly but my heart was breaking for my little man. I wish there was somebody else for him to play with every day. Yes, I know there will be friends…but nothing is better than a sibling.

So…for now we pray and wait. Maybe God will bless us with another child…either through adoption or maybe through biologically. I don’t know……

But one thing I do know…cleaning can wait.

My child needs me more.

Laura.

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Independence

Little E had a birthday on May 18th and turned the big number 5.

So…..Little E has been renamed Big E. ūüôā

I thinking turning five has made Big E more Independent.

The other day he went over and played at the next door neighbors house all by himself. Didn’t even look for me he just played and I sat and waited. I waited and I waited for the common cry, “mom” but it didn’t come and then I realized he doesn’t need me as much as he used to.

I’ve seen this in other ways too. Yesterday he went outside and played all by himself without asking me to come with him. He went to a birthday party on Friday and didn’t realize that I was there. Today he was lonely and asked for some friends to come over and play with him. He’s getting to the point that he doesn’t want me anymore but wants his friends and I’m okay with that. It’s good for him to be around other kids and want to play with them.

Tonight we went to the mall and he forgot his sweater at the food court. So when he realized that he forgot it He ran back to get it all by himself: looking back a few times just to make sure that I was there. On the way back he ran all the way back and didn’t even look to see if I was following him.

You may think that these are such simple things but from my son they are humongous. Two weeks ago he went for swimming lessons and cried the whole time in the pool even though we are right there watching him. This past Saturday he jumped right in without even saying goodbye to us.

So with turning five my little boy is beginning his independence and I’m slowly becoming okay with that. I will miss him Needing me all the time but at the same time I’m glad he is branching out and I’m glad that he is becoming a stronger person.

I knew this day would come but I still get cuddles at night and kisses and hugs and that makes everything alright.

Sigh…… Maybe I’m not as ready for this as I thought I was.

Laura

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Sleep

“Mommy…will you snuggle with me tonight?”

Such a simple question but yet at the end of the night I’m selfish. ¬†I want to sit back, put my feet ¬†up and relax. ¬†Usually I say….”Not tonight honey.”

Why?  I have no idea!  I should be treasuring these moments and snuggling right in.

However, one night the question was asked again: “Mommy, will you snuggle with me tonight?” ¬†And I answered, “Sure will!”

So I snuggled in. ¬†We talked about his day…the fun ¬†he had and we just shared some silly stories. ¬†He snuggled in really close. ¬†Gave me a million kisses and told me he loved me over and over again. ¬†After a bit I began to think that he wouldn’t go to sleep. ¬†So I told him he had to lay down or that mommy would have to leave so he could get some sleep.

Well he didn’t want any of that. ¬†So he snuggled in closer, put his arm over my back (just for reassurance that I wasn’t leaving him) and told me he loved me once again. ¬†I kisses his little cheek and told him I loved him back.

We layed there listening to his cd. ¬†The one he’s listened to since he was a baby. ¬†He doesn’t complain about it…doesn’t ask me to change it to something a bit older…so we listen.

We listen, and slowly I see his eyes start to get heavy.

I watch him…listen to him breathe. ¬†I close my eyes.

I open them a little later to see that he’s fighting hard to keep his eyes opened. ¬†Closing them every once in a while…and opening them quickly.

Just to make sure I’m still there.

For security maybe, but just to know that his momma loves him. ¬†Just to know that I’m there and not leaving as soon as he falls asleep.

He closes his eyes again and I watch him.

Watch as his little face becomes soft.  Listen as his breathing gets steadier.

I close my eyes to take in everything.

I open them up a few minutes later only to see him taking a quick peek again.

I rest my arm over his back and hold him a bit closer.

Finally I hear the steady sound of sleep….a deep sleep. ¬†A sleep that won’t be disturbed if I get up and leave.

I’m free to go do my selfish things. ¬†Free to go relax. ¬†Free to do what I want to do.

However, I can’t move.

I’m transfixed watching this miracle beside me breathe. ¬†Watching his face..wondering what he’s thinking and can’t remember anything else that might have been important fifteen minutes ago.

Next time…I won’t be so quick to say no.

Laura

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I Can’t Imagine….

A normal morning in our house consists of waking up at 7:00…crawling out of bed shortly after that. ¬†Getting ready for the day by having showers, getting breakfast for Little E and then getting dressed. ¬†On Mondays and Thursdays Little E goes to preschool, ¬†so those mornings are usually a little more busy. ¬†I feel like I’m constantly running around making sure all is ready….making sure he eats, brushes his teeth, gets dressed (including not putting his underwear on his head and running around the ¬†house naked, yelling “NAKED TIME”.

True story.

Then about 8:00 Little E and daddy head out for the day. ¬†I give my little man a kiss on the cheek, a hug, and then a kiss on the hand…which he then puts up to his cheek to remind him the whole day at school that mommy loves him. ¬†(That adapted from this book here: ¬†The Kissing Hand¬†)

I tell him Good-bye, that I love him and to have a great day at preschool and to make sure to make some new friends.

I simply cannot imagine that being that last time I ever see my child alive.

I can’t imagine him not coming home…bouncing all over the house and telling me about his day. ¬†Who he played with, what he had for lunch, what he saw on his walk.

I can’t imagine his laughter not in this house.

I can’t imagine the bathroom not being soaked with water because of his playtime in the bathtub.

I can’t imagine not hearing his stories, or seeing his art on the wall.

I can’t imagine not being able to hear “Mom, I need a hug!”

I can’t imagine having all these things bought for him for Christmas and knowing that he will not get to unwrap any of them, or being able to see the joy on his face while he does.

I simply can’t imagine, and I hope I never have to go through that.

But, for all those families that lost their children in the shooting in Connecticut it’s too real of a situation for them. ¬†It’s not a dream, it’s a nightmare…one that they won’t wake up from. ¬†The sorrow that they must be feeling must be so overwhelming. ¬†The hurt must be extreme and the feeling of “I wasn’t able to keep my child safe, or I wasn’t there for them when they really needed me” must be anguishing.

I can’t imagine.

I am one of those people who, in a situation like this, thinks things through. ¬†I think of what those parents must be feeling and the grief and the sorrow overwhelm me. ¬†I don’t want to send my little boy to school in the fall thinking that I may be sending him off to school one day only to never see him again.

However, if I think like that then I have to also think along the lines of: “I can’t take my child to the mall, to the movie theatre, to church…anywhere. ¬†Might as well just sit home all day.” ¬†The stress of the world gets overwhelming and can crush you if you let it.

Truth be told there really isn’t much we can do to keep our children safe. ¬†We can pray and we can hope that an act of violence such as this won’t claim us as victims. ¬†It’s so easy to say “Put your trust in God”…but it’s really harder to do than that. ¬†We all know that we have to do it, but us humans like to control things and then there are still no guarantees that things like this won’t happen.

So, for now I have no real answers.  However, I do have some actions that I can take on my part.  I will always always always tell Little E that he means the world to me, that I love him, that he will always be with me no matter what.  I will try not to stress about the little things..like whether or not his shirt is on backwards, or him not listening to me after I have said asked him to do something multiple times.

I will just simply be his mom. ¬†I will try to bestow on him the same vows that I gave my husband eleven years ago: ¬†“I will love you and cheerish you, in good times and in bad.” ¬†I will love him with every ounce of love that is in me. ¬†I will pray circles around him and I will try my best to keep him as safe as he can. ¬†It’s what every mother does every day without even thinking of it. ¬†Just in times like this these simple little actions seem to mean a whole lot more.

So for today and always, go hug your little ones, your big ones and your in between ones.  Not only hug them, let them know that they are loved to infiinty and beyond.

Laura

Blessing: My family is safe….safe and loved beyond measure.

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It’s been a wonderful night of mommy guilt for me.

Guilt that I have too many kids that aren’t mine in my house and that I never get to spend any time with Little E.

Guilt that he’s going to end up resenting me someday because I didn’t spend enough time with him…but I had time for everybody else.

Guilt that wraps around my heart and squeezes me till I can’t breathe sometime.

Why do I feel like this?  Why? Why? Why?

“Because you’re a mom”, some will say.

That’s not good enough for me. There has to be more of a reason than that.

Cause inside I feel like a horrible person. ¬†A person who can’t just spend 10 minutes of undivided attention with her 4 year old. ¬†A mom who feels like she has missed out on the last three years of her little man’s life…even though I. have. been. right. here.

For me, it’s not an option to get rid of the kids that I babysit, nor do I want to in a sense because I think if it were just the two of us Little E and I would probably get bored very quick with each other.

But how do I find the balance without feeling like somebody has run over me with a monster truck….(and not the toy ones)?

This is ¬†my heart….bare before you. ¬†Please don’t stomp all over it…and if I babysit your child please don’t take offense to it. ¬†It’s not meant to be that way…this is just me…tonight…feeling like crap.

Laura

Blessing: A hubby who listens.

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Not apologizing.

If you have ever met my Little E you know that he has a boundless amount of energy.

I’m not even sure if “boundless” is the correct word.

He has so much energy and so sometimes he can be overwhelming.

I know this…I’m his mom. ¬†I get overwhelmed sometimes by just watching him. ¬†ūüôā

I know he can get out of hand because he’s so busy. ¬†For example if we are out somewhere sometimes he just wants to show off in front of people, or he may get into something he’s not supposed to…or even crawl on your lap or jump on you. ¬†He can be rough, crazy and just hyper.

However he’s 4 and he’s a boy.

Some people don’t understand that. ¬†Some adults and kids constantly say his name in a whiny way….. “Eeeeeeee don’t do that”, “you have to watch what you are doing E”, or “stop that E”. ¬†Or they will simply look at me like I’m supposed to be able to contain him.

Some of you may be thinking “You’re his mom…you should be able to contain him.”

Well I try and I try. ¬†I have tried for the past four years. ¬†Since he was about 6 months old he would climb over other children. ¬†I’m not sure why. ¬†Does he need more attention? ¬†Maybe…but it’s not like we ignore him all day. ¬†We love him. ¬†We give him all the attention and love that we can give without suffocating him.

So all that to say this:

I’m tired of yelling at Little E to stop doing something that isn’t really doing anything to harm somebody. ¬†I’m tired of telling him “no” just for the sake of not annoying somebody. ¬†I’m sick of it…and I refuse to do it anymore.

That doesn’t mean I’m not going to tell him to stop if he’s about to hurt somebody or is getting into something he shouldn’t…but I’m not telling him to stop doing something just because somebody finds it annoying or pointless.

He’s a little boy. ¬†He’s exploring the world around him and growing up.

What somebody may not see is that Little E is a very loving boy. ¬†He gives compliments any chance he can give. ¬†He loves learning. ¬†He loves God and he’s smart. ¬†He cares about others and he would do anything for you.

So…..maybe next time take the time to talk to my little boy and find out about him. ¬†Don’t shrug him off just because he may not be as calm and collected as other kids.

He’s a work in progress as are all of us.

We love him just like everybody else loves their kids and we are glad that he is unique.

Laura

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Letters to him.

So before I even started blogging online for public use I have been secretly blogging.

Secretly, you ask?

Yes, SECRETLY….but now the secret is out.

Kind of.

Why kind of, you ask? ¬†Ok well maybe you didn’t..but I’m pretending you did.

Because, I have been blogging to Little E.

I write him letters about what we have done that is special that day, or some important events that have happened, or just plain old advice for later in life.

I do it on wordpress…but it’s password protected and the password is locked away in his keepsake container.

Why do I do it?

Well two reasons really.

1) ¬†Because if something ever happens to me, I want him to know how much I loved him, and have something special that is just from the two of us. ¬†(I have asked hubby to join me on occasion but he’s not really into that)

and 2)  Because I thought it might be fun to look back on someday and remember the special times and things that we have done.

I’m not very good at keeping it recent and updated…but the thought is there…and I will continue to do so as I have time.

What about you?  Do you do anything special like this?

Laura

Blessing for the day: ¬†My babysitting days haven’t been as chaotic which is o-so-lovely!

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